Bad Table Manners: If He Dies, He Dies
“Bad Table Manners” is a weekly series (starting today) in which Dajaz1 contributor Rahul discusses three major music stories of the week.
We’re trying something different with this. Is this kind of a rip-off of Shea Serano’s “Diamonds & Wood” column at Four-Pins? Absolutely. But I usually write this quirky stuff in all my other music posts on the site, and no one ever seems to really appreciate it. I thought I might as well do that here along with a critique of some of the bigger rap stories of the week. Enjoy…
Earlier in the week, a friend of mine asked me if I had a hectic next couple days ahead of me. It was our final week of classes, and professors tend to pile up assignments and papers so that they’re all due on the last week of instruction. This wasn’t the case for me. I replied,”Well, I’m trying to watch all the Rocky movies by Friday, when they’re not on Netflix anymore, so I guess that’s been kind of stressful.”
I watched all the Rocky movies this week. I’m not really sure why. Well, I’m absolutely sure why. I just can’t believe I actually went through with it.
The Rocky movies will no longer be available on Netflix Instant starting December 1. I knew this because I spent most of my Thanksgiving holiday watching random crap on Netflix, partly because the multiplayer for my copy of Halo 4 wasn’t compatible with my brother’s 4GB Xbox (seriously, wtf?). I had no real need to watch the Rocky movies, except that I had only seen the first and sixth ones, and I did visit the steps in Philly this summer. It was oddly exhilarating. It was the last week of class, and I didn’t really have anything to do, which in my head equated to sit around all day in my underwear and watch movies. I’ll probably do the same during Dead Week next week, or as I refer to it, fap-twice-a-day-without-feeling-ashamed week.
The movies are all kind of a chore to watch. The first is probably the only necessary viewing just because Stalone managed to win an Oscar. The most recent, Rocky Balboa, is, too, very enjoyable. The rest of them are really all a blur. They’re essentially the same story, each with some absurd plot twist. Then in Rocky IV, when Drago says “If he dies, he dies”, it hit me. This should be the title of Rick Ross’ next album. Ross’ music is too outrageous to not only go further with that outrageousness. God Forgives, I Don’t? Psssh. That’s pussy shit compared to If He Dies, He Dies. It can be six songs for the six films. Maybe Wale can die on the third song or something. Can’t you just imagine the training montages in those MMG vlogs? Ross training in the boiling room (though you couldn’t really tell because he probably sweats during any and all physical activity), chopping wood (||), running on the beach, eating raw eggs. Khaled can be his ring-side coach, yelling obscenities and short inspirational statements (“You Da Best…Around!”). Stalley can, you know, just not be there. Shit, Ross already has his shirt off 99% of the time he’s in public. He might as well throw on a silk robe and some gloves.
I’m thinking this is a home run, Def Jam. Let me help you make this happen.
Rewind to five months ago. “New God Flow” seemed like the greatest thing that could ever happen to Pusha T’s career since…well, Justin Timberlake’s “Like I Love You”, appearing in the “Drop It Like It’s Hot” video, a critically acclaimed album produced by The Neptunes, a Kanye West co-sign, being featured on “Runaway” and “So Appalled” and “Mercy”…you get the idea. The braided half of the Clipse hasn’t quite reached the pinnacles of the career that all the Clipse fans had imagined him to have. His weird bouts with Young Money over recent months have also just felt strange and unnecessary. Here he goes with another (recently confirmed) Birdman/Lil Wayne diss. Now this wasn’t a sanctioned leak, so who knows if we were ever actually supposed to hear this, but Pusha’s bars (or at least what the given transcription shows) are some of his most inspired and downright vicious in recent memory. If anything, it gets me at least a little bit excited for his upcoming solo debut My Name Is My Name. For his Wrath of Cain mixtape dropping in December, not so much. More importantly, WHY THE HELL IS THIS ON A LUDACRIS SONG?
This was really cool and all, but what are the odds that all three artists drop their games in the same week? For the record, I beat the 2 Chainz game, but the Juicy J game is harder than the Disney games I used to play for Sega Genesis. Seriously, have you ever played the Aladdin or Lion King games for the Sega Genesis? They are the most difficult video games in the history of existence. I literally played them as an adult recently and couldn’t even get halfway through them. I had to look them up online just to confirm that I wasn’t a total idiot. It turns out that whoever developed these games were total assholes that decided to make children’s video games impossible. That level with the monkeys and the ostrich in The Lion King Game? FUCK YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH. Don’t even get me started on the damn Cave of Wonders level in Aladdin.
Dr. Dre earned $110 million this year. I don’t even have a joke for this one. The guy sits around and does nothing for years and ends up topping Forbes’ highest paid “musicians” list. God knows, if Dawaun won’t even put out his album, there’s no chance we’ll ever get an album from Dre.
Shit I left out:
50 Cent, Eminem & Adam Levine – My Life: I don’t even think this is that bad. I just don’t give a shit.
Meek Mill, Jay-Z, Rick Ross & Trey Songz – Lay Up (Remix): This, however, might just be the shittiest song I’ve ever heard in my life.